Maturity 2.0

This is what I wrote for last year. This post were meant for my 'the end of the year' post.

I know I wrote about maturity before but this is different. Well, I feel different.

I originally wrote this on my journal, I was too lazy to transfer them to digital form. So, here we are, it has been digitalized.

So....

Dear Rose,

23rd December, 2011
Maturity and change, to me, they are different. Yes, they are synonyms to each other, they have the same meaning but what diverse between the two words is that maturity needs some changes to make it work, whereas you don’t really need maturity to change.

Ever since I’ve stepped into the tertiary education, a lot of people told me that I have changed. For better or worst, nobody knows. The question that kept ringing in my mind was, “Have I changed or have I matured?”

I don’t think I am matured enough because I still need the help of my sister to go to here and there, I asked my brother to drive me here and there even I already have a driving licence. I know I am capable of doing those things on my own, but in my head, if I do things on my own, my head keeps thinking, what if I make a mistake along the way? What would I do? What would I say? At least, if my family is there, my friends are there, they will catch me if I fall, I trust them enough to help me. Asking for help doesn’t make me so immature, right?

Sometimes, I tried so hard to act so mature because I don’t like people to see that I am weak. I don’t like them to see my vulnerable side; thus, I built a shield, a wall around me. There is only one tiny back door for certain people to step into my life. And only those people could see my fragile state.

And that’s why I don’t like to get sick. I LOATHE feeling so hopeless, I can’t do anything while I am sick. I can’t move, I can’t read, all I can do is sleep. And I dislike sleeping. (Hence, the sleep deprivation. I seriously need to work that out.) I hate for the fact I really can’t do anything productive while I am sick. I can’t even think. And I NEED to keep my head moving. I don’t know what I was thinking when I was sick on my birthday. Pain and sleep. Those were the only ones I remembered. Oh and the pills.

I like to read. One of the reasons that I like to read is to gain knowledge. And knowledge would prevent the feeling of vulnerability. I have this urge, this feeling to know everything, to be one step ahead from everyone in my peers. Yes, I know the result of this that I will act like a snob, a brat, a Miss-know-it-all but it’s not my fault that I like to read everything and they don’t.

To the people out there, read. You will NEVER regret it for the rest of your life.

I remembered the interview with Madam Lee, which currently, she is my tutor. We’re talking about my hobby, which is obviously reading. I told her about the significance of reading. I told her that by reading, we could step into other people’s shoes, we could able to see what different people see the world, we expand our imagination and of course, despite all of that, the main thing of reading, we could gain more knowledge.

I know I talked a LOT about reading but to be frank, I haven’t finished a book since I’ve read ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife, which is last year (2010). I have read a lot of books this year, it’s just I haven’t finished them. So, one of my resolution for next year is ‘read until the last page’.

So, the connection between all of the points that I have rambled above is, what you read will define who you are and by reading, you will see things differently, so many ways. And because of that, you are more mature.

To answer my question above, “have I changed or have I matured?”

To me, I think yes, I have changed. But I think it is because I have ‘just a little bit’ mature than before.

Love,
Sarah

PS; Is this post make sense? I don't even know. :\